Often, we struggle with how to help the griever – what to say, what not to say, how to act, and how to love. For those helpers and friends, a few thoughts:

Timing. Often, when a death occurs there is an outpouring of support.

Neighbors and friends bring meals, relatives fly in from out of state, and

cards usually pour in. The details of planning the funeral and time spent with family often keep us occupied and “dealing” with our grief. But the weeks after the funeral may be the toughest part for many of us. As the loneliness sets in, the reality that we will now live without our loved one greets us every day and extreme emotional swings may suddenly appear.

Keep an eye on those who are three or so weeks past the funeral. This is often a crucial time for the griever and an opportunity to meet important needs. I often wait until this time to reach out to those I am not the main support for. I will often send a card and then reach out with a meal or initiate some time for coffee. Do not be offended if your grieving friend is not ready to talk.

Be patient and offer help at another time. Allow your friend to direct such help if appropriate or offer ways to support.

Create a safe and confidential environment. Generally, the griever

wants to talk, but careful planning and foresight are essential. A helping conversation is not the kind of discussion that is accomplished in a few minutes of fellowship or in passing. Ask your friend out for coffee or to a place that is conducive to this kind of conversation. Allocate at least an hour or so and be ready for more time if needed. Decide beforehand to be a listener and not a talker. Seek advice from a more seasoned mentor on how to help.

Listen and learn. This may be the most important and helpful feature of

helping those who are grieving. Listening in a non-judgmental fashion will allow your friend to open up in a safe and confidential manner. Listening with empathy, that is, going into your own painful experiences to feel what they might be feeling is critical. This does not mean you are trying to relate to their specific experience, but you feel similar hurts and are able to connect emotionally.

This kind of attentive listening takes great humility and will allow you to stay present in their pain. Refuse the temptation to listen and fix. There is no “fixing” grief–just staying in the moment and conveying love. Acknowledge the pain, stay with it, and simply love. Be willing to hear the same story repeatedly – it may be cathartic to your friend. Always use sensitivity, appropriate touch, warmth, and good eye contact.

For more information, go to my website www.inmotioncounseling.org or email Tim at timothysumerlin@gmail.com